A Conversation With Myself- Post Prelim Havoc

(Irrelevant to class, but for some reason, I feel compelled to share, which is very unlike me)

I am listening.  I am listening to you.  You are me, and I am you, and I know I should listen.  What are you telling me?

I am telling you everything.  You have so many questions, and I provide you all the answers, and you do not listen.  You ignore your emotions, you succumb to your irrationality, and you have forgotten what I sound like.  You are so caught in the trap, you are so chained to the wall, your eyes have gotten weaker by your limited gaze, your muscles have atrophied, and your memory is dissipating.  You have forgotten freedom and youth, burdened by the excess of culture and expectation.  You live like everyone else, and everyone accepts you for it.  Resignation is normative.  Your inner child is dying.  You will eventually feel nothing, and soon after, you will forget how to feel.

As much as you like to say “This is it,” you do not come close to embodying it.  You repeat yourself like a broken record, just scratching the surface, and never delving further.  You are going to die.  Your time is everything you have.  The social constructs of time make you believe you are inherently doing something when you are doing nothing.  By the passing of a day, you succeed without succeeding.  You watch progression without progressing.  You live vicariously through the passage of time in attempts to justify your passage of time, meaning, you use time itself as achievement.  When you say “Here’s to another day,” you validate your meager existence without reason.  You let the inevitable passage of time do the work for you, and you attempt to reap the benefits.  However, and you know, that deep down, those attempts are feeble.  They are not satisfying.  You are not content.

Time means nothing and time means everything.  And in any given situation, you tend to confuse the two.  When time really means nothing, you give it meaning.  When time really means something, you give it no meaning.  And thus the strange conundrum of your life- that you find yourself walking away from the moments that give your life meaning, and embracing the moments that give you nothing.  When the dying say “I wish I hadn’t worked so much”- this is what they are saying.

When you woke up this morning, that feeling of recursion was overwhelming.  I am giving you that feeling.  And finally, you listened.  Are you aware?  Are you willing to repeat this tomorrow?  Is that what you want?

You are angry.  I am giving you that feeling.  Why?  So that you will listen.  Five years of anticipation that did not result in an equal serving of satisfaction.  Of course you should be angry.  Your reliance on external validation failed miserably and it will continue to fail.  Because you listen to everyone else before you listen to me.  I will eventually get tired of trying.  You do not want that.

What are you becoming?

In the end, on the last day, what you became will have to face me.  I do not like to be disappointed and I will let you know.  And it’s your last day.

Think about it.

And come talk to me more often.

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1 Response to A Conversation With Myself- Post Prelim Havoc

  1. Site Admin. says:

    I’m humbled and grateful. Thank you for sharing this with us.

    Dr. C.

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