– Or In Which Titles Cease To Make Sense –
I need to write. I need to write about air that is thick with rain, and conversations no one wants to have. I need to sit down and execute ideas. This is what I need to do, and I haven’t, and I probably won’t.
I have been consumed with such an intolerable lethargy that I am honestly upset. I have just wasted the first five days of being nineteen. I haven’t done anything productive, and I have no desire to do anything. Sort of like there was this light there, pushing me, making me work, filling my days, and now it’s gone. It’s gone and I’m worried that it’s gone for good.
It’s gone because I’ve pushed it away, and it has made me ill in the worst way. It has made me lonely.
And even that is mostly just an excuse. I could be doing anything with my spare time – spare time that I shouldn’t have, I should be working, but I’m never scheduled (That’s not your fault) – like learning sign language or finishing a book. Never mind that I’m no where close to finishing; I’ve only written 2 paragraphs in the last 2 months. That’s the worst track record I have ever had. The pressure of neverfinish is hanging over my head, and I don’t know what to do with it. It’s like there’s a ghost hanging over me when I write, and it just hangs there, gripping my neck, whispering ‘neverfinish‘ over and over again, sucking all of my ideas out through the pores of my skin.
Okay, wow, pleasant imagery there, Emily. Shut up, inner monologue. I do what I want.
And what I want most right now is a hug – an actual, physical hug, from a physical person. I want someone to talk to, who I don’t feel a nagging sense of ‘Crap-I’m-Scaring-Them-Off’ with. I need someone here so that I can muddle through why my summer seems to be going so wrong so far (and why this is the 4th blog post I’ve written this summer, and this will probably be the only one that gets published).
Mostly, I think I’m just worried that I’m wasting my time, because I am wasting my time, and worried that I don’t have enough drive to change this rut on my own.
Needing people around is a hard need to face. Missing something – some place, the place, college – this much never actually occurred to me. It was never a possibility. Then I realized my pool of friends in Northern Virginia is small, and it will probably be 2 months before I see anyone from Tech in any capacity other than video chatting. I don’t know if seeing my friends again will help ignite the drive in me again or not, but I do know this – it is awfully hard muddling through the complicated stuff on your own.
And this feels pretty complicated to me.