So, I have attempted to write this blog post 8 times now, so I give in. This blog is not going to be linear. It’s probably not going to be coherent. Stream-of-conscious blogging in 3. 2. 1.
I’ve been really focused on goals lately. I have several – sort term, I want to stay in honors by achieving a 3.5 gpa in my classes. I would like to come to a point were I stop feeling self conscious around my friends and commit to a long term goal. Long term, I’d like to get a job in the publishing business, specifically as an editor – and have the sensability to change this goal should my interests dramatically dive of the deep end.
Hopefully, having my CoSP back will help with this somewhat. Maybe. Probably not.
I’ve been thinking about death recently, and how I react to it. Death terrifies me – it is the one finality in life that I can’t argue with. I can’t make a case against something that is intangible.
Thursday, I broke down crying in front of Pamplin, because 4 minutes before class, I found out that my Grandmother was dying. I was inconsolable – I’m still not doing to well with it.
But I was more upset at the thought of her dying than I am now. She passed away at 1 am Saturday morning. When I found that out, I nodded, and went on with my day like nothing had happened. I don’t know why. I think it’s because I got my sadness – or, at least, the dramatic, self involved sadness – out of my system on Thursday. I don’t want people to tip toe around me because of this. I’m sad that she is gone, but I’m happier that she doesn’t have to suffer any more.
Plus, I think she would be happier if I continued towards my goals. Make her proud, do well by her memory. I can’t just stop everything because of a tragedy. I have to press forward. We all have to.
[I also want to clarify – I don’t want pity. I will ask for help if I need it.]
That’s why I’m going to work on my novel today. That’s why I’m going to sign up for Arabic as a class next semester – if I even can, I haven’t looked at that yet. That’s why I’m not going to the service in California next weekend.
I know that’s what my Grandma would have wanted – she would have wanted me to stay at school with my friends, and continue to do well in my classes.
I can almost hear her telling me:
“You know I love you.
And That I’m proud of you.
Now keep going.”
=> Rise Up
=> Press Forward