Stumbling into my “authentic teaching self”
Photo by Masahiro Iijima
I stumbled into teaching, as I’m sure many of you also did. I never planned to be a teacher. Teaching wasn’t on the exhaustive list of careers I came up with throughout my childhood, which ranged from artist to astronaut. When I first moved to Indonesia after my undergrad, my intention was to study the behavior of wildlife and conserve them by convincing everyone else how awesome they were. Still, the thought failed to cross my mind that teaching was a way to do this. In my second job studying orangutans, there would often be schools groups or film crews visiting the research site that were interested in learning more about our orange ape relatives. As the resident orangutan researcher, I was often asked on the fly to speak with the group about orangutan behavior and take them out to observe the animals in the wild. After one of these visits, I remember a coworker offhandedly commenting on how well I spoke and interacted with the group. At the time, I equated this with teaching, which in hindsight was really just the tip of the iceberg, but I reflect back on this moment as the introduction to my “teaching self.”
I soon developed a role within this organization in which I designed, coordinated and lead high school excursions, volunteer programs and university field courses that focused on learning about tropical ecology through immersive experiences. I learned as I went along, through trial and error, adjusting what didn’t work based on the feedback I received from students. This was possibly the most authentic my teaching self ever was, blissfully unaware of all that I didn’t know regarding pedagogy or learning theories. Well the fairy tale ended abruptly when our organization started running field courses with an external recruiting agency. The head of the agency basically crushed my dreams of teaching the course, by saying, “you’re nice, but you don’t have the credentials to teach this course…you don’t have a PhD.” I have probably dramatized this story over time, but his sentiment stuck with me. Instead of brushing this off and moving on, I decided that if I wanted to teach at the level of higher education I needed formal training. How could I know what I was doing was effective? These were intensive, immersive experiences for these students, what if I was leading them astray? I resolved to do this PhD thing, but I vowed to seize whatever opportunities I could to learn about pedagogy and improve my teaching!
And…here I am now. Two years in and, prior to this class, definitely questioning my decision. When I arrived at Virginia Tech and started Taking my first course, it was not the excitement charged, fulfilling experience I remembered. For one thing, the course (Dendrology) involved instructing students how to identify trees, and I couldn’t tell an oak from a maple. This was not the same world where I could comfortably identify a gorkum from a grumph (both orangutan vocalizations that sound disgusting if you decide to check them out). Nor were students that excited to hear what I had to say. I had forgotten about the world of undergraduate degrees and the begrudging nature of students completing required courses. I was spoiled by students embarking on these trips of a lifetime in Indonesia. I learned and developed a passion for tree identification during the course, but most importantly, I learned that many early career professors and graduate teaching assistants will have to teach material which they have little knowledge or experience with. I was out of my comfort zone and failing at portraying a confident, prepared TA.
This has still been a challenge for me to overcome, as I came from a place where I felt so comfortable sharing my knowledge of tropical forests. Instead of embracing the challenge, I feel my teaching self has morphed into this inauthentic, “fake it til you make it” alter ego. I keep waiting for some class or piece of advice from a mentor that will help me stumble back into my authentic teaching self. But after reading one of the readings for this week, I realized that there is no magic book or course that is going to help me overcome this challenge of being authentic (although this course has already re-inspired my passion for teaching). I will be uncomfortable at times and I will falter, but that’s ok. I should use these opportunities to learn and improve from trial and error. I should focus on my strengths and not force myself to teach the way the previous instructor taught the course if that doesn’t suit my style. I also shouldn’t limit myself to the confines of earlier syllabi, but let my imagination run wild with new ideas and improvements. Formal pedagogical training is important, but I am now realizing that allowing yourself time to reflect, explore and innovate in your teaching is even more crucial. Hopefully by following these principles and giving myself that freedom to learn and explore, I’ll stumble into my authentic teaching self at some point along this PhD journey.
February 11, 2021 @ 2:28 am
I really enjoyed your post, Jenn! Thank you for sharing your experience.
Let me preface with that I use “you” a lot in my comment here. I just want to be clear that I am not necessarily saying that you yourself is doing or should do these things; rather I use “you” as a general way of referring to other people)
You don’t explicitly say this (so please correct me if I’m wrong), but it seems to me that the point you’re trying to make is that our authentic teaching self takes time to develop. In your situation, it seems that you thought you knew your authentic teaching self until you were thrown the curveball of teaching the Drendology course. I’m sure that you were an excellent and knowledgable teacher, but I think a lot that has to do with finding your authentic teaching style is student interest. In other words, if students aren’t interested in the material, they aren’t going to give a lot of feedback, and it can make you feel like you aren’t doing a good job. I struggle with this in my teaching- I teach a developmental psychology lab and I have a lot of students who really seem to be interested in the content of the course, but I can tell that a lot of them are either taking the lab because the others were full (psychology students have to take a lab to graduate) or because they thought developmental psychology would be easy. As teachers, we can only do so much to engage our students in the material and then I think that it is their job to choose whether or not they want to engage with the material (or whether or not they want to learn the content). From my personal experience, this can definitely make you (not you, specifically, but people in general) feel like they aren’t good teachers and that they are having trouble finding their authentic teaching self. And this may not be true. Like I said, I think a large part of it has to do with the student interest. One semester, you’ll find something that works for you and the authentic teaching self will click (at least I hope that happens for me!). Until then, I think it is important to continue to try your best. You will touch some student lives, others won’t care, and some semesters you’ll feel like a completely useless teacher. I like you, hope that I someday am able to stumble across my authentic teaching style. Until then, I’ll just keep trying my best.
Great post!
February 11, 2021 @ 6:45 pm
I think your experience in following a path to teaching is unique. I had a similar experience with an instructor who was discouraging of my goals. I feel connected with your story because it takes incredible commitment to fulfill aspirations that we know deep down are what our calling is. From what you have mentioned in your post, it seems that teaching is innate, especially with your introduction to your teaching story. This course has already broadened my perspective on teaching authentically and I appreciate your post as it has given me the opportunity to reflect on my own personal teaching methods. Thank you for sharing!
February 13, 2021 @ 8:14 pm
I took dendrology as an undergrad (different university) so I have an idea how challenging that class would be to TA even with some plant ID experience! So I salute you for that!
In my opinion, the most effective teachers are the ones who are passionate about what they’re teaching. They don’t necessarily need advanced degrees or training. One of my best friends works at a nature center and has no formal training in teaching, but she’s one of the best teachers I’ve known. Of course, some level of training helps and can make us better, but the fact that you care whether your students learn (I’ve had many that didn’t care) makes you a top-rate teacher in my book.
February 14, 2021 @ 2:55 am
I liked how you talked about critical thinking, and i agree with you that not all things could be taught in university. But i also believe that the teacher not only should only make the students think critically but also instill a passion and love for exploring and learning.
Great blog.
February 16, 2021 @ 3:37 am
Hey Jenn. Thanks so much for sharing these stories with us this week. The work you described with orangutans sounds like a dream.
When you were describing your arrival to VT as a grad student/GTA and this feeling of not belonging and “faking it til you make it” these both resonated with me. I think you are right to be reflecting on the things happening around you and trying to grow from every experience as you are describing. I want to assure you that you are not the first and won’t be the last who wonders the same things that you are. I know I did. I think you are reflecting on the right kinds of issues and staying open to learning about teaching. You’ve got the right idea. Keep going. 🙂